Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Death of a Valley Girl

I know that I have kind of stopped talking about my past and really that is the best part of my life so I wanted to tell everyone about OHIO! Yay!

Recipe for breaking a child’s spirit!
Step 1) Only allow them to stay in one place long enough to make friends and then move them... anywhere you want as long as its far away from their friends/family.
Step 2) When you move them away remember to throw away as much as possible.. You don’t want to pack/unpack it so get rid of it when you go. This will be a wonderful surprise when they go to unpack and find that their special teddy, blanket, or whatever it is has vanished.
Step 3) Remove the family pet.. Now this one is a little hard because like my sweet Missy you may have grown attached to the dog/cat as well, but if you want to completely destroy the child this must be done.
Step 4) Once you get to your new residence. Get dial up internet and even though it takes around 10 minutes for the system to log on, only allow your child 15 mins a day online. This will again break your child a little more and remind them that they are completely alone other then you.
Step 5) This is the final step and is probably the hardest step. Move in with you in laws who don’t really like your child and adores your sister/brother in laws kids. This will remind the child daily that while you love them no one else really likes them. This will be hard on you because the in laws probably don’t like you that much either. The grand parents will be the one doing step 4 and to add a little sting to your child they will allow your child’s cousins come over and play games on the comp.

NOTE: This will work best if your child is a pre teen girl and the cousins are older boys. This will remind your girl of her place... in the kitchen! Also another great thing for you to do is to work all the time. This will get you away from the in laws and allow your child to suffer alone.

NOTE 2: This must be started at birth with an older sibling or cousin treating her like she is the spawn of the earth. 
The Move
When I was 15 my parents broke the bad news to me, we were moving...again. I was devastated and had plans to run away to live with my best friend Kissie. I was adamant that I was not moving anywhere and they couldn’t make me... well guess what...they actually can make me ;( so off we moved to North Carolina. The plan was for my mom, me and our dog Missy to stay with my gma j. for awhile because the Sarg was getting stationed back overseas and I think they knew that I was never going to make it in Germany again. We packed up all of our stuff and started the drive across the bottom of the great USA! This is when I realized that what used to be a great adventure had turned into a life altering catastrophe. I cried through the first few states and then sat back to sulk. I loved my gma j but after living in Cali for so long there was no way that I would ever learn to fit back in with all of the country folk of North Carolina. I had began to prepare myself for a Hills Have Eyes type town where they would be changing the sign as we drove in to POP:323. I dreamed of old dusty Ford trucks with gun racks over the back seat and piles of dead bambi’s stacked high in the back. The thought made me cringe. I was truly terrified and knew that nothing could ever be worse then moving back to that back woods place... I was sooooo wrong!

My bad we change our mind
After the horrible drive and my parent’s searching for a house for days they decided that North Carolina just wasn’t where they wanted us to stay. I think that the Sarg was afraid that my mom would go back to her wild ways if she stayed there. So they decide to move us to OHIO with the Sarg’s parent’s..... now this is where it gets bad. After a week with my gma j I had realized North Carolina wasn’t so bad and my gma j was awesome. I could live there as long as I had Missy... The day we go to leave for Ohio I was sad and defeated but I was willing to do what needed to be done to move on with my life. I had packed up my belongings and was walking out the door with our Pomeranian Missy when my mom stops me and tells me the horrible news... The Sarg doesn’t want my grandparents to have to deal with Missy and they made up some excuse about allergies. Gma j had agreed to keep her and care for her the rest of her life. This is the dog that we got while in Germany. At this point she was around 8 years old and my baby.

The worst days of my life...Kinda
I cried all the way to Ohio..... I was alone and broken and just done with it all. I can admit it now but I think I was a bit suicidal at this point. My grandparents didn’t like me or my mom and were only taking us in because they felt an obligation to the Sarg. They were not really mean but they really knew nothing about a 15 yr old girl who had just been torn to pieces. Then one day I met the girls. There were two girls in my grandparents neighborhood that were lifesavers. Farmergal and Jewels Vern, They showed up just when I was about to break and we became fast friends (partners in crime) and lifelong sisters. I remember one time Farmergal and I were in my upstairs bedroom just being bad and smoking cigarettes and we had taken every precaution to avoid being caught when all of the sudden my 80 yr old grandparents come rushing up stairs to find out what we were doing... I still to this day don’t know how they smelled the smoke with the windows open and a towel under the door but they did.. I think they may have been spying on us.. creepy. I also remember walking into Jewels Vern’s house for the first time... My first thought was wow this place smells like pot and of course being the brat I was I vocalized that thought in front of both of Vern’s parents.. (Her dad being the one smoking the pot) She was so sheltered and good I knew at that moment that I had to teach her all the worldly things I knew (and her dad knew that he had to get me away from his baby girl) She had been smelling the smell of pot for so long that she assumed that it was her dads cigarettes and never thought anything of it. I am sure that if she never met me she would have gone on to be a teacher or something really special...but oh how fates are evil....

That's all for now I have to go pick the kid up from school... more coming soon!

Friday, September 16, 2011


So let me start by saying that I have put on a lot of weight since I moved here to Florida. I am normally a sloppy dressed so I never really cared how big my shirts were because trust you me I was going to be wearing a t shirt with at least one stain on it somewhere. I finally got an assistant and realized that she always looks nice, since I am supposed to be the boss so I need to look the part.
I finally gave in and went to the store to buy some new pants and I put see a size 14 petite. Well my first thought was "wow these are going to be really baggy (I am still into the baggy jeans) also I was really excited that I wouldn't have to hem the legs to get my perfect pair of jeans!!  YAY! so anyways I went into the dressing room to try them on and instead of fitting loosely they fit perfectly! I was so upset I left the store without a single purchase (the hubby would be so proud) and went home to eat a tub of tear salted snickers ice cream in the dark..... by the way I did take notice that the lengths of the jeans was PERFECT! and I wouldn't have had to hem them at all..... I gotta get rid of this fat ass or I am gunna have to start wearing stretch pants so the judging cashier doesn't think my ass is bigger then it really is...

P.S. Size 14 is huge!
P.P.S. I need Liposuction.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Shake, Rattle and Dolls

The land where drama comes from
So California turned out to be. Turns out we were all wrong. I lived in Cali during my preteen/teen years and so for me it was heaven. It is a beautiful place as long as you don't go to Ventura beach. I made some great friends and after a few years the evil one was shipped off to live in Florida with daddy. She of course tortured me as much as possible beforehand. I remember one time she chased me around the house with a knife. The most talked about at family dinners is the time she was in charge (like an older sibling usually is) and she was mad at me for something so she locked me out of the house, I tried getting back in for a minute and then realized chores were inside and friends were outside. So I went and got my friends to play. We played for a good hour before the evil one looked out the window expecting to see me in a river of my own tears. Enraged she stormed outside and demanded I come in immediately. I was having fun so I ignored her.  This infuriated her even more so she walked outside and grabbed my leg. I squirmed and cried but she was not going to allow me to have fun. She ended up dragging me all the way into the house by my leg (a good 30 ft up a small ledge and through the door stoop) She then proceeded to make me do all the chores that we were supposed to do for the day. By the way did I mention I was wearing white shorts???

7 day after my 11th birthday the big Northridge earthquake hit. I was at a friends house on a rolling bed and I remember that the fan stayed on the whole time. The only reason I know this is because I remember that the fan would get closer then farther as we shook. I must have been having a bad dream because before this time I didn't know my previous spoke of powers worked while I was sleeping. I had known that this event was coming because a few weeks before, we had an earthquake drill at school, it scared me so much I came home terrified. The sarg called from AZ where he was working for the week and lectured me about being scared of earthquakes. He told me that we had hundreds of earthquakes every day and I never even knew they happened. This soothed and helped with the anxiety for awhile. Then the big one at 4:30AM hit us. Not knowing how to react I ran home(across the street) as the sarg was walking out of the house to check the news in the car. I ran up to him and without even asking about mom or the evil one I said " did my porcelain dolls make it?" That really show you that children can be so selfish and inconsiderate.

By the way the evil one slept through the entire quake......... brat!
By the way this is me now a days!

Beverly Hillbillies

I moved to California after living in Texas Hell for 3 scorching hot years. I was so excited about our move to California where I could become the actress/singer of my dreams. I automatically believed that every person who lived in there was famous and the state only allowed the exclusive to come in and experience their type of Paradise. I believed that I would act on the side while making my breakout album and spend my days living the lazy life on the beached of Malibu... Then I learned a few facts about California.

Fact 1: Be prepared to wake up in the middle of the night while the earth shakes violently for no apparent reason.
Fact 2: Understand that the rich and famous want nothing to do with you unless they have a movie coming out.
Fact 3: Do not walk up the hills (called snob hill by all us in the valley) in Ventura at Halloween and ask for candy it is a grueling trip and you will walk back down that hill with nothing to show for it.
Fact 4: Kids are stupid and will walk said snob hill every year in hope that the rich and famous will be giving out whole snickers bars, only to be disappointed once again.
Fact 5: The actual famous live in secluded home where you can drive by but you will vary rarely see them.
Fact 6: Moving to California is not going to make you famous.
Fact 7: Every year you will watch the horseshoe shaped hills around catch fire and burn for weeks.
Fact 8: Santa Ana winds suck!
And the most disturbing fact of all!
Fact 9: The beaches are freaking COLD!


The Kiddo
So you know that show Kids say the darndest thing? Well I had a prime candidate for that show.. only I had her a little too early and the show wasn’t on yet. Anyways my kid is so cute she did  the best stuff like one time she was just learning about how thing grow and that they need water so when she broke her colored pencil she knew it was made from a tree so she quickly walked over to the dogs water bowl and held the broken end in. SO CUTE
I love that darn kid and even at 10 she is still the funniest thing I have ever 

Thursday, September 1, 2011

These are the balls of my life...

After we moved from Germany while my mom and the sarg were getting everything settled in Texas, The evil one and I were sent to stay with my daddy. It had been so long since I had seen him and I was truly scared. All I knew about him was that he had remarried and was a horrible man who cheated and used drugs instead of being a father. I cant remember if I liked him at the time or not but I was the type of child that believed Mommy's words were golden. She never lied or said anything bad (sweet innocent me) I remember that the evil one was upset that I was going with her to see HER daddy and didn't want me tagging along, but mommy needed someone to watch us over the summer and daddy was her best choice.( thinking back to how horrible of a person she thought he was I am shocked that my grandmother wasn't totally insulted that he got us instead of her) We went to Florida and we had a wonderful time other then the fact that I cried myself to sleep every night and was shy.
One night wanting to be with the big girls I climbed in bed with the "big girls" The evil one and my stepsister. Of course I had to be the center of attention so I climbed right down the middle of them..bad choice, have I ever told you I'm a klutz? Well its true (that is your fair warning) When I got to the head of the bed where the big girls were giggling and the evil one enraged that I had the nerve to disturb her and her new friend were laying. I climbed just a bit to high and accidentally punched the step sister in the nose... poor girl I didn't get a chance to warn her....I was of course sent back to my room completely embarrassed and sooo ready to go home to mommy who would love on me and tell me everything was OK..

Ball Buster
in 2001 shortly after my husband and I met he started driving me home at night as a type of courting ritual I assume, anywayz he was very sweet about it and would hold the door open for me while I sweetly smiled and thanked him for his chivalry. A few weeks into our courting ritual he learned the hard truth I was a ball buster, you see he was holding the door open for me while I got into the car and as I turned quickly with my metal edged purse to be coy or say something sexy I slammed my metal edged purse into his balls.... giggling and quickly apologizing I got into the car and we drove off. Now that was bad and it seemed to happen often so out of sweetness and a want for him to get hard again one day I started to carry a purse that was cloth and slings across my chest. This was a fantastic thing because it made my boobs look bigger while protecting his package. Of course I do have a problem with standing too close so I ended up hitting him a few more times before the courting ritual was over.... the dumbass married me probably thinking I had broken his pride and joy by then and we lived painfully ever after!
The END!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Steers and Queers

Everything is bigger in Texas.... WHATEVER!
So we moved from the wonders and magic of Germany to the where we saw the most amazing scene of the Berlin Wall coming down to the heat, cows, and crazies of Texas. Almost as soon as we got there we watched WACO (we ain't coming out) the horrors of watching the military vehicles drive into the building holding innocent people and children. I remember thinking "OH My God Where in the hell are we!"
This was the beginning of the most horrifying three years in my life. Everything from watching my teacher get shot at Lube's Cafeteria to Waco and the flooding! I was constantly amazed by all the crazy things that happen there and I was so happy to finally get the hell out.

Now that I told you about that I figure I should tell you some important and recent news.
I don't know how many people you can tell but let everyone know and of course because I care you should know.
WEBMD is evil.
This is a program designed to scare you to death, LITERALLY! Every time I look up an ache or pain I find out that I have some new rare disease that is probably eating me from the inside out. Of course the program has been designed to send subliminal messages that pop up in your head every time you sneeze! I am unfortunately addictive and cannot stop but there is still hope for you... DON'T EVER LOOK UP AN ALIMENT ON WEBMD!  I promise you will soon be on your deathbed or at least writing your last will and testaments. when you came in and listed all of your symptoms for your head cold that according to WEBMD you actually had tuberculosis (true story I was freaking scared and didn't want anyone to touch me, at least until I looked it up again and found out it was only cancer) My doctor of course explained to me that it was actually me being a hypochondriac and I only had to dust my house... 
Stupid doctors don't know nothing! My house is so clean and dust free, must be cancer and she is blind but oh well I gotta live with it till I die from it.