Death of a Valley Girl

I know that I have kind of stopped talking about my past and really that is the best part of my life so I wanted to tell everyone about OHIO! Yay!

Recipe for breaking a child’s spirit!

Step 1) Only allow them to stay in one place long enough to make friends and then move them... anywhere you want as long as its far away from their friends/family.

Step 2) When you move them away remember to throw away as much as possible.. You don’t want to pack/unpack it so get rid of it when you go. This will be a wonderful surprise when they go to unpack and find that their special teddy, blanket, or whatever it is has vanished.

Step 3) Remove the family pet.. Now this one is a little hard because like my sweet Missy you may have grown attached to the dog/cat as well, but if you want to completely destroy the child this must be done.

Step 4) Once you get to your new residence. Get dial up internet and even though it takes around 10 minutes for the system to log on, only allow your child 15 mins a day online. This will again break your child a little more and remind them that they are completely alone other then you.

Step 5) This is the final step and is probably the hardest step. Move in with you in laws who don’t really like your child and adores your sister/brother in laws kids. This will remind the child daily that while you love them no one else really likes them. This will be hard on you because the in laws probably don’t like you that much either. The grand parents will be the one doing step 4 and to add a little sting to your child they will allow your child’s cousins come over and play games on the comp.

NOTE: This will work best if your child is a pre teen girl and the cousins are older boys. This will remind your girl of her place... in the kitchen! Also another great thing for you to do is to work all the time. This will get you away from the in laws and allow your child to suffer alone.

NOTE 2: This must be started at birth with an older sibling or cousin treating her like she is the spawn of the earth. 

GOOD LUCK!!

The Move

When I was 15 my parents broke the bad news to me, we were moving...again. I was devastated and had plans to run away to live with my best friend Kissie. I was adamant that I was not moving anywhere and they couldn’t make me... well guess what...they actually can make me ;( so off we moved to North Carolina. The plan was for my mom, me and our dog Missy to stay with my gma j. for awhile because the Sarg was getting stationed back overseas and I think they knew that I was never going to make it in Germany again. We packed up all of our stuff and started the drive across the bottom of the great USA! This is when I realized that what used to be a great adventure had turned into a life altering catastrophe. I cried through the first few states and then sat back to sulk. I loved my gma j but after living in Cali for so long there was no way that I would ever learn to fit back in with all of the country folk of North Carolina. I had began to prepare myself for a Hills Have Eyes type town where they would be changing the sign as we drove in to POP:323. I dreamed of old dusty Ford trucks with gun racks over the back seat and piles of dead bambi’s stacked high in the back. The thought made me cringe. I was truly terrified and knew that nothing could ever be worse then moving back to that back woods place... I was sooooo wrong!

My bad we change our mind

After the horrible drive and my parent’s searching for a house for days they decided that North Carolina just wasn’t where they wanted us to stay. I think that the Sarg was afraid that my mom would go back to her wild ways if she stayed there. So they decide to move us to OHIO with the Sarg’s parent’s..... now this is where it gets bad. After a week with my gma j I had realized North Carolina wasn’t so bad and my gma j was awesome. I could live there as long as I had Missy... The day we go to leave for Ohio I was sad and defeated but I was willing to do what needed to be done to move on with my life. I had packed up my belongings and was walking out the door with our Pomeranian Missy when my mom stops me and tells me the horrible news... The Sarg doesn’t want my grandparents to have to deal with Missy and they made up some excuse about allergies. Gma j had agreed to keep her and care for her the rest of her life. This is the dog that we got while in Germany. At this point she was around 8 years old and my baby.

The worst days of my life...Kinda

I cried all the way to Ohio..... I was alone and broken and just done with it all. I can admit it now but I think I was a bit suicidal at this point. My grandparents didn’t like me or my mom and were only taking us in because they felt an obligation to the Sarg. They were not really mean but they really knew nothing about a 15 yr old girl who had just been torn to pieces. Then one day I met the girls. There were two girls in my grandparents neighborhood that were lifesavers. Farmergal and Jewels Vern, They showed up just when I was about to break and we became fast friends (partners in crime) and lifelong sisters. I remember one time Farmergal and I were in my upstairs bedroom just being bad and smoking cigarettes and we had taken every precaution to avoid being caught when all of the sudden my 80 yr old grandparents come rushing up stairs to find out what we were doing... I still to this day don’t know how they smelled the smoke with the windows open and a towel under the door but they did.. I think they may have been spying on us.. creepy. I also remember walking into Jewels Vern’s house for the first time... My first thought was wow this place smells like pot and of course being the brat I was I vocalized that thought in front of both of Vern’s parents.. (Her dad being the one smoking the pot) She was so sheltered and good I knew at that moment that I had to teach her all the worldly things I knew (and her dad knew that he had to get me away from his baby girl) She had been smelling the smell of pot for so long that she assumed that it was her dads cigarettes and never thought anything of it. I am sure that if she never met me she would have gone on to be a teacher or something really special...but oh how fates are evil....

That's all for now I have to go pick the kid up from school... more coming soon!

STOP JUDGING ME CASHIER

So let me start by saying that I have put on a lot of weight since I moved here to Florida. I am normally a sloppy dressed so I never really cared how big my shirts were because trust you me I was going to be wearing a t shirt with at least one stain on it somewhere. I finally got an assistant and realized that she always looks nice, since I am supposed to be the boss so I need to look the part.
I finally gave in and went to the store to buy some new pants and I put see a size 14 petite. Well my first thought was "wow these are going to be really baggy (I am still into the baggy jeans) also I was really excited that I wouldn't have to hem the legs to get my perfect pair of jeans!!  YAY! so anyways I went into the dressing room to try them on and instead of fitting loosely they fit perfectly! I was so upset I left the store without a single purchase (the hubby would be so proud) and went home to eat a tub of tear salted snickers ice cream in the dark..... by the way I did take notice that the lengths of the jeans was PERFECT! and I wouldn't have had to hem them at all..... I gotta get rid of this fat ass or I am gunna have to start wearing stretch pants so the judging cashier doesn't think my ass is bigger then it really is...

P.S. Size 14 is huge!
P.P.S. I need Liposuction.
P.P.P.S. STOP JUDGING ME WALMART CASHIER! I SEE THE IRONY IN BUYING DIET PILLS, ICE CREAM, AND DR PEPPER

Shake, Rattle and Dolls

The land where drama comes from
So California turned out to be. Turns out we were all wrong. I lived in Cali during my preteen/teen years and so for me it was heaven. It is a beautiful place as long as you don't go to Ventura beach. I made some great friends and after a few years the evil one was shipped off to live in Florida with daddy. She of course tortured me as much as possible beforehand. I remember one time she chased me around the house with a knife. The most talked about at family dinners is the time she was in charge (like an older sibling usually is) and she was mad at me for something so she locked me out of the house, I tried getting back in for a minute and then realized chores were inside and friends were outside. So I went and got my friends to play. We played for a good hour before the evil one looked out the window expecting to see me in a river of my own tears. Enraged she stormed outside and demanded I come in immediately. I was having fun so I ignored her.  This infuriated her even more so she walked outside and grabbed my leg. I squirmed and cried but she was not going to allow me to have fun. She ended up dragging me all the way into the house by my leg (a good 30 ft up a small ledge and through the door stoop) She then proceeded to make me do all the chores that we were supposed to do for the day. By the way did I mention I was wearing white shorts???


NORTHRIDGE
7 day after my 11th birthday the big Northridge earthquake hit. I was at a friends house on a rolling bed and I remember that the fan stayed on the whole time. The only reason I know this is because I remember that the fan would get closer then farther as we shook. I must have been having a bad dream because before this time I didn't know my previous spoke of powers worked while I was sleeping. I had known that this event was coming because a few weeks before, we had an earthquake drill at school, it scared me so much I came home terrified. The sarg called from AZ where he was working for the week and lectured me about being scared of earthquakes. He told me that we had hundreds of earthquakes every day and I never even knew they happened. This soothed and helped with the anxiety for awhile. Then the big one at 4:30AM hit us. Not knowing how to react I ran home(across the street) as the sarg was walking out of the house to check the news in the car. I ran up to him and without even asking about mom or the evil one I said " did my porcelain dolls make it?" That really show you that children can be so selfish and inconsiderate.


By the way the evil one slept through the entire quake......... brat!

By the way this is me now a days!

Beverly Hillbillies

CALI GIRL!

I moved to California after living in Texas Hell for 3 scorching hot years. I was so excited about our move to California where I could become the actress/singer of my dreams. I automatically believed that every person who lived in there was famous and the state only allowed the exclusive to come in and experience their type of Paradise. I believed that I would act on the side while making my breakout album and spend my days living the lazy life on the beached of Malibu... Then I learned a few facts about California.

Fact 1: Be prepared to wake up in the middle of the night while the earth shakes violently for no apparent reason.

Fact 2: Understand that the rich and famous want nothing to do with you unless they have a movie coming out.

Fact 3: Do not walk up the hills (called snob hill by all us in the valley) in Ventura at Halloween and ask for candy it is a grueling trip and you will walk back down that hill with nothing to show for it.

Fact 4: Kids are stupid and will walk said snob hill every year in hope that the rich and famous will be giving out whole snickers bars, only to be disappointed once again.

Fact 5: The actual famous live in secluded home where you can drive by but you will vary rarely see them.

Fact 6: Moving to California is not going to make you famous.

Fact 7: Every year you will watch the horseshoe shaped hills around catch fire and burn for weeks.

Fact 8: Santa Ana winds suck!

And the most disturbing fact of all!

Fact 9: The beaches are freaking COLD!

AHH PARADISE!

The Kiddo

So you know that show Kids say the darndest thing? Well I had a prime candidate for that show.. only I had her a little too early and the show wasn’t on yet. Anyways my kid is so cute she did  the best stuff like one time she was just learning about how thing grow and that they need water so when she broke her colored pencil she knew it was made from a tree so she quickly walked over to the dogs water bowl and held the broken end in. SO CUTE

I love that darn kid and even at 10 she is still the funniest thing I have ever 

These are the balls of my life...

DADDY
After we moved from Germany while my mom and the sarg were getting everything settled in Texas, The evil one and I were sent to stay with my daddy. It had been so long since I had seen him and I was truly scared. All I knew about him was that he had remarried and was a horrible man who cheated and used drugs instead of being a father. I cant remember if I liked him at the time or not but I was the type of child that believed Mommy's words were golden. She never lied or said anything bad (sweet innocent me) I remember that the evil one was upset that I was going with her to see HER daddy and didn't want me tagging along, but mommy needed someone to watch us over the summer and daddy was her best choice.( thinking back to how horrible of a person she thought he was I am shocked that my grandmother wasn't totally insulted that he got us instead of her) We went to Florida and we had a wonderful time other then the fact that I cried myself to sleep every night and was shy.
One night wanting to be with the big girls I climbed in bed with the "big girls" The evil one and my stepsister. Of course I had to be the center of attention so I climbed right down the middle of them..bad choice, have I ever told you I'm a klutz? Well its true (that is your fair warning) When I got to the head of the bed where the big girls were giggling and the evil one enraged that I had the nerve to disturb her and her new friend were laying. I climbed just a bit to high and accidentally punched the step sister in the nose... poor girl I didn't get a chance to warn her....I was of course sent back to my room completely embarrassed and sooo ready to go home to mommy who would love on me and tell me everything was OK..

Ball Buster
in 2001 shortly after my husband and I met he started driving me home at night as a type of courting ritual I assume, anywayz he was very sweet about it and would hold the door open for me while I sweetly smiled and thanked him for his chivalry. A few weeks into our courting ritual he learned the hard truth I was a ball buster, you see he was holding the door open for me while I got into the car and as I turned quickly with my metal edged purse to be coy or say something sexy I slammed my metal edged purse into his balls.... giggling and quickly apologizing I got into the car and we drove off. Now that was bad and it seemed to happen often so out of sweetness and a want for him to get hard again one day I started to carry a purse that was cloth and slings across my chest. This was a fantastic thing because it made my boobs look bigger while protecting his package. Of course I do have a problem with standing too close so I ended up hitting him a few more times before the courting ritual was over.... the dumbass married me probably thinking I had broken his pride and joy by then and we lived painfully ever after!
The END!

Steers and Queers

Everything is bigger in Texas.... WHATEVER!
So we moved from the wonders and magic of Germany to the where we saw the most amazing scene of the Berlin Wall coming down to the heat, cows, and crazies of Texas. Almost as soon as we got there we watched WACO (we ain't coming out) the horrors of watching the military vehicles drive into the building holding innocent people and children. I remember thinking "OH My God Where in the hell are we!"
This was the beginning of the most horrifying three years in my life. Everything from watching my teacher get shot at Lube's Cafeteria to Waco and the flooding! I was constantly amazed by all the crazy things that happen there and I was so happy to finally get the hell out.

BREAKING NEWS
Now that I told you about that I figure I should tell you some important and recent news.
I don't know how many people you can tell but let everyone know and of course because I care you should know.
WEBMD is evil.
This is a program designed to scare you to death, LITERALLY! Every time I look up an ache or pain I find out that I have some new rare disease that is probably eating me from the inside out. Of course the program has been designed to send subliminal messages that pop up in your head every time you sneeze! I am unfortunately addictive and cannot stop but there is still hope for you... DON'T EVER LOOK UP AN ALIMENT ON WEBMD!  I promise you will soon be on your deathbed or at least writing your last will and testaments. when you came in and listed all of your symptoms for your head cold that according to WEBMD you actually had tuberculosis (true story I was freaking scared and didn't want anyone to touch me, at least until I looked it up again and found out it was only cancer) My doctor of course explained to me that it was actually me being a hypochondriac and I only had to dust my house... 
Stupid doctors don't know nothing! My house is so clean and dust free, must be cancer and she is blind but oh well I gotta live with it till I die from it.

The Origin of Pig Latin

From Wikipedia
The origins of Pig Latin are unknown. One early mention of the name was in Putnam's Magazine in May 1869: "I had plenty of ammunition in reserve, to say nothing, Tom, of our pig Latin. 'Hoggibus, piggibus et shotam damnabile grunto,' and all that sort of thing," although the language cited is not modern Pig Latin, but rather what would be called today Dog Latin. The Atlantic January 1895 also included a mention of the subject: "They all spoke a queer jargon which they themselves had invented. It was something like the well-known 'pig Latin' that all sorts of children like to play with." Thomas Jefferson wrote letters to friends in Pig Latin. (see Hailman in the references below)

Great so now i gotta learn dog latin. son of a bitch! DID YOU SEE THOMAS JEFFERSON WROTE LETTERS IN PIG LATIN!!! it must be the secret language of the illuminati

ILLUMINATI
The Illuminati (plural of Latin illuminatus, "enlightened") is a name given to several groups, both historical and modern, and both real and fictitious. Historically, the name refers specifically to the Bavarian Illuminati, an Enlightenment-era secret society founded on May 1, 1776.
In modern times it is also used to refer to a purported conspiratorial organization which acts as a shadowy "power behind the throne", allegedly controlling world affairs through present day governments and corporations, usually as a modern incarnation or continuation of the Bavarian Illuminati. In this context, the Illuminati are believed to be the masterminds behind events that will lead to the establishment of a New World Order.

The Wimpy/Manipulative child!

The New Daddy

I was about 3 or 4 when mommy married the sarg. I was already a very manipulative little girl and knew that if I wanted to wrap this man around my finger I needed to lay on the charm, and fast! So shortly after they were married I climbed into the sarg’s lap and asked in the sweetest of voices “are you going to be my new daddy?” I KNOW ADORABLE! I believe that this is where I learned a sweet smile and doe eyes could turn even the hardest of hearts. I am not sure what was said but I know that growing up I was always shown favoritism over the evil one… (by the way parents kids know when you are catering to one child so just don’t do it… So wrong!) I was never allowed to call sarg daddy because it made him uncomfortable… I promise you I tried I knew if I could get that hold on him my life was golden. But he was always shy with us and so mommy did most of the talk to’s and gave all the love.

The Girls

I am not really sure when the evil one and I became one person but at some point my mother (who always had a hard time remembering which one was Missy, which one was Stacey and which one was the evil one) She still sometimes calls my daughter Stacey?!? I remember as I child I wanted nothing to do with the evil one I especially didn’t want to share a name with her. I found the loss of personal Identity annoying and more humiliating. I was not the evil one I was the one who tried to please everyone! Why was I getting grouped in with the evil one! I am sure that its was convenient to say “girls” rather then call names but come on when you have Satan on your hands you don’t want to lead the good child astray… lesson learned: only have one child!

BIG MOVE

Within weeks of mommy and the sarg getting married we moved to Germany. A great adventure that I will remember for all of my days! I remember we had this picture of the real Disney castle on our wall and that it was somewhere in Germany. We had an old haunted mansion down the street from us that at dusk all of the bats that lived inside would come out and fly around the highest tower! SPOOKY! I learned 3 languages in Germany unfortunately none of those being German. I am fluent in English (obviously not that great at spelling but come on I learned in a place that has squiggly lines over letters) I also learned pig Latin and it was one of the few things that the evil one and I connected on. We had to bond as best we could while in Germany otherwise we were screwed! So when the twin boys from downstairs started talking in their secret twin language one day I had to know! We bribed the boys into teaching us this quite annoying and very secret language. I still to this day really haven’t passed it on to but a chosen few…we of course have added slang to the language because all it take is two bored white girls to bastardize an entire language…  eacepa utoa otherma uckerfa

The Tunnel

At one point they were doing something across the street from our house and the supplies left there over the weekend were like the best playground on earth. They had all these long cement tubes that everyone would crawl through, of course I only did it once because it was scary and what if I got stuck! The one time I did decide to show everyone that I wasn’t a total wimp, I was following the evil one. Starring at her wiggling booty I slowly made my way through the tube… then all of the sudden she was no longer with me and something was holding onto the back of my shirt. Visions of goblins, dead hands and evil rabid animals came to mind I screamed and scrambled out crying… never to go through a tunnel again… so sad I was such a wimp.

Vo is das? Das ist ine ice! Das ist gut!

Ovela ouya!

GREATEST GIFT EVER!

Little O'l Me!
Now that I have told you a few of my horror stories I should let you know a little bit about me. Lets start with the fact that you will hear me referred to as many things, IT, the girls (I am actually only half of that group the evil one is the other girl) even bitch on occasion! My real name is Stacey, chosen by my father while my mother was heavily sedated; the name is a story in itself. 

Mommy and Sarg
I grew up with my mother and was the step daughter of an Army soldier… now I only remember what one patch is so while I am pretty sure he made it pretty close to the top, the patch I remember him wearing was first Calvary patch. Of course I was around 7 when he wore it but it is by far the best patch they have… it has a really cool horse head on it and so just about everyone knows it! I am still that girl who sees an army guy walking down the street and point and yell to my husband or anyone near for that matter “hey look first calv. Soldiers” saluting and pretty much making a fool of myself. This is of course quite embarrassing for everyone nearby, I believe even stranger are worried about me.
Mommy is this sweet little southern bell… SHE IS TERRIFYING! Mommy is a 4’ 11” tall petite red head, foreboding description I know, but that old saying big things come in small packages is 100% true about her. I have heard stories where she has attacked people twice her size. She is an evil little monster but also an amazing mother. I was that kid in high school with the cool mom.. She was and is my idol and bestest friends on earth! A woman of amazing morals and a forgiving soul. I love her to pieces (which wouldn’t be many because she is so tiny)

. ~ Annnywayz ~
 If you forget everything that you have already read I had a pretty good childhood, I was lucky enough to study abroad for a few years in Germany kindergarten though 3^rd grade! Helz yea I’m well traveled! (in a good way) I am a proud owner of a piece of the Berlin wall! And I can speak 3 languages 2 fluently (English and Pig Latin)
Now while some people may say I have delusions of grandeur I believe that my physical presence can cause major events. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to control this AWSOME power and on occasion I cause major disasters…. Sorry Northridge, CA… my badL! It seams that everywhere we have lived some major event has happened good or bad it really doesn’t matter just CRAZY stuff follows me everywhere I go.. for example In Germany we watched the Berlin wall come down (good) but then in TX there was the WACO guy and luby’s cafeteria shooting (look it up) we were actually getting ready to head that way for breakfast (for some reason an obsessively prompt family was procrastination that day… chance or fate I ask you) o yea and all the crazy flooding… then Northridge while we lived on CA (again my bad) Funny how "the almighty" is smart enough to give me a gift like world domination and didn’t see that I was going to be a dumb blonde who will probably end up dying by accidentally strangling herself with the comforter... greeeaaattt!

Younger Days
While I was an angel compared to the evil one I was also a very fast learner. I had those parents who believe that if the evil one did something bad while spending the night at a friend’s house I was destined to do the same thing. So when she was evil I was grounded along with her; of course not as harshly punished because I hadn’t actually done anything yet. I was just guilty by association… an association that was their choice I remind you! Finally I decided that if I was going to get in trouble for something I might as well go ahead and do it. I love the evil one now a days but back then she was really bad at being sneaky. She was forever getting caught sneaking out… we had a yapper dog that would tell on you ever time.. So I learned from her mistakes and took Missy (the dog) with me. The only real problem was that I didn’t have anywhere to sneak out to so I ended up in the park across the street playing with the dog at 2 in the morning! SO LAME!  

As the evil one and I grew up we started to get along better… luckily I believe that the demons realized that she was getting a little too hard to handle and gave up on her… now a days she is a headstrong woman of 31 who can bring a man to his knees.. I believe god felt that I didn’t need this power so I was give complete control of planet earth, and all that reside on it.. (INSERT EVIL LAUGH)


IN CLOSING

I hope you enjoy this blog and realize that my family is a little off but all good and kind people. I love every one of them and would not be nearly as AWSONE, COOL, FUNNY as I am without each one contributing something crazy/wonderful to my life!! I am proud to say that I have a wonderful family, an amazing daughter, the hottest hubby on the block (if he reads this he will be so pissed at the j-lo/new kids on the block reference) the best friends on earth and a family that will drive you crazy one minute then have you rolling on the floor laughing. I am truly blessed and wouldn’t want any other family.

I love you all!

This is an actual picture of me controlling the elements...no really it's me!

Gma Annie Mae and the evil one

As a child we were always taught to be nice little girls. We had the benefit of being babysat by our wonderful gma Annie Mae. She was an angel and could tolerate even the meanest of children. of course I was her favorite with my sweet disposition and bread in fear of the evil one. I truly believe that even as a baby I knew that if I didn’t stay on my toes one day she was going to scalp me in my sleep. I do believe that I wasn’t the only one who should have or did fear her. She could cower even the meanest of hearts. I have never known a child to not be afraid of anyone or anything until her…

The Movie
While trying to reward the evil one for a job well done mommy decided to take her out to see the hottest new kids flick.. well in regular evil one style she could not sit still and was doing just about everything but watching the movie. At one point I believe she was even standing on her seat. Mommy with a fiery temper was rightfully so frustrated with the constant fidgeting and in a low voice warned the evil one that if she didn’t sit still and watch the movie she was going to be in big trouble. The evil one without skipping a beat says “ I would sit down if this nigger in front of me would move his big head” the the evil one then proceeded to slap said nigger in the back of the head. Devastated that not only did her sweet child know how to use such a dirty word in context and sure that she was about to be beaten to a pulp rushed the evil one out of the movie theater… and this is why my mother never took me to the movies…

Dirty Ditch
As a child the evil one seamed to pick up the darnedest words and use them in perfect sentences. One of these times was with the angelic gma Annie Mae. Because gma Annie Mae lived a simple life and never learned to drive she was forced to live in a bad neighborhood near work. She had her close friends near by and could walk to work everyday without issue. A few houses down from hers was a nasty ditch full of balloons and Dr toys. Knowing the real purpose of the elongated balloon's and Dr needles my mother forbid the evil one from going to the ditch. A threat was of “ if you go down to that ditch I am going to whoop your ass when I return” was given in front of the evil one and gma Annie Mae. With a nod of understanding from the evil one mommy drove out of sight. As soon as she could no longer see the taillights the evil one turned and headed for the forbidden ditch. Gma Annie Mae reminded the evil one of her foretold punishment and was astonished to hear her reply “ I would rather get my ass whooped then stay here with you” Hurt and with the wiseness of age gma Annie Mae let the evil go and play in the dirty ditch, she also let her get the foretold ass whooping. I am sure that she smiled and prayed that this time mommy would finally beat the devil out of her….we all know different.

DAMN CANDY
The evil one somehow knew when to use the perfect swear from birth I truly believe when the Dr smacked her bottom she didn’t cry but turned and told him to fuck off with a sharp left hook. One time when you could consider it a sweet mistake was at the early age of 3. Mommy had bought a bag of chocolate for the upcoming holiday. The candy had been left at gma Annie Mae’s with stern instructions that no one eat any. Mommy left and upon her return there is the evil one covered in chocolate and holding a half empty bag. Frustrated mommy yells to all the adults in the house “ Who gave her this damn candy?” Of course the evil one had devised a plan to sound cute and sweet while telling mommy to mind her own fucking business. In the sweetest of southern accents the evil one smiles her chocolate grin and says “ Mommy I got this damn candy, and I'm gonna eat this damn candy”
At this point the entire family should be in therapy, but no with a pop on the butt the evil one got away with it in the end… Of course it cant get worse!

THE EVIL ONE TURNS VAMPIRE
At a young age the evil one knew exactly what she wanted and you better not dare get in her way’ the TV. As I already mentioned she has the ability to strike without warning…. but sometime it really is just better to stay out of her way. In this instance the evil one was watching one of her favorite shows and in walks mommy wanting to use the TV for a bit. Well this is a non-negotiable fact that you stay away from the TV and she will not kill you in your sleep… how dare this insufferable woman change her channel! Of course the evil one realizes that she cannot kill mommy because who then would feed her assuming that she must have hit her head the evil one goes and turns it back to the cartoon(whatever Satan watches) of choce. Mommy gets up and turns it back for her adult time telling the evil one to go play. This game goes on for a few minutes until mommy get tired and just sits in front of the TV. This of course infuriates the evil one and shows her that mommy needs to be put in her place…. using the element of surprise like a trained fighter the evil one attacks sinking her sharp young teeth into the tender flesh of mommys back. After the initial terror mommy uses her speed and agility to catch the evil one. Sitting on her for the rest of the show. The whole time the evil one know that she missed the mark by millimeters and next time she wont be so nice.
As we already suspected the evil one was possessed by a multitude ofSatan's demons. He had devised a plan that only Satan himself could devise and had chosen a new born little girl with the face of an angel. He is very good at what he does!

In our family  we have a saying you can pick you nose but you cant pick your family... I guess that means you just got to learn to live with the little boogers.... great!

NO BRAIN DAMAGE! YAY! (twitch twitch)

Me in Germany

I am new to blogging bur recently I started reading blogs in my free time; (at work when I got tired of reading the same post of Facebook post) I realized that I have the craziest family on earth. We are shall I say different and it doesn’t help that I married into an upper-class huge family. (I of course had to marry the black sheep the only one who isn’t a DR, Lawyer, or business owner) Actually he is a lawn tech... I know but I’m an idiot and I was already in love before I realized that he had cousins that weren’t married.

THE RENTS
I figure this path to punishment all started at a young age. My mother and BESTIE was divorced /remarried when I was 3 years old. She a 4'11" red head was the scariest person I have ever met, until I met my 6"3 Army step dad who with his drill sergeantesq. personality ruled with an iron will and a no nonsense attitude. He was terrifying, and kind but mostly terrifying. I remember doing situps and push ups every day after school. This was our punishment for just about anything... By the way bad idea! I refuse to work out in any way now because of course I associate it with punishment!

THE EVIL CHILD
As a child my older sister and only biological sibling hated me. So much so that she tried to murder me on multiple occasions... I have been told stories that would turn even the strongest of stomachs. If any of these horrible acts would have been done by my child I would have sought medical expertise. My family of course are of the mindset that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and now get a good laugh at telling these awful stories at family gathering.These events are remembered as the good 'ol days!

Here are a few of the favorites you decide if they are truly funny or signs of a delusional child..


FIRST MEETING
As my mother and father carried me through the door my sister (3 at the time) threw the biggest fit of her life, while screaming "Take IT back I don’t want IT" while cute at the time it was the beginning of the end for a sweet loving sisterhood.

THE “MISSING” INCIDENT
Still in diapers with a sister who still thought I was the scum of the earth my sweet young mother decided it was time for a change. After removing my diaper she realized she forgot something or other in the 2nd bedroom. She ran to the other room to get it and when she got back I was nowhere to be seen. Panicked my mother raced around the room calling for me...( I am not sure what she expected I couldn’t even turn over on my own yet much less say hey lady right here). Sitting in front of the Television is my sister, my mother runs in and asks if she has seen me, of course she has been watching TV the whole time. Big sissy looks up with her big brown doe eyes and says no mommy I haven’t seen her anywhere. Not noticing the smirk on her face at the time my mother rushes back to the room of the crime and while looking starts to hear a small squeaking sound under the bed. Well there I was itty bitty me rolled up in a blanket and stuffed head first under the bed… Turns out my sister knew a bit more then her sweet smile let on… her excuse you ask? "I don’t want IT!"

THE BOOT

My uncle Woolybooger a 500lb, 6’5” tall man with the sweetest disposition in the world remembers the first time he realized the my big sissy didn’t care for me all that much… about a year after the missing incident, Iwas just learning to sit up on my own so like my sister in the last story I was sitting in front of the TV (My question of where the hell was my mom will come up later in this Blog).  Woolybooger was watching me as the protective uncle would and notices my sister standing behind me watching TV (so he thought) as well. All of the sudden he sees her pull back her 4 year old leg with her pretty pink boots on and kick me in the back of the head…Knocking me forward onto my face....

These are just a few of the stories we look back on every family gathering. There is always lots of nervous laughing when these stories are told. I am not sure if they are laughing because they are embarrassed or if they are just so happy I made it through childhood with minimum brain damage… I guess there is a silver lining to every story…

The evil one

See ya next time folks