As a child we were always taught to be nice little girls. We had the benefit of being babysat by our wonderful gma Annie Mae. She was an angel and could tolerate even the meanest of children. of course I was her favorite with my sweet disposition and bread in fear of the evil one. I truly believe that even as a baby I knew that if I didn’t stay on my toes one day she was going to scalp me in my sleep. I do believe that I wasn’t the only one who should have or did fear her. She could cower even the meanest of hearts. I have never known a child to not be afraid of anyone or anything until her…
While trying to reward the evil one for a job well done mommy decided to take her out to see the hottest new kids flick.. well in regular evil one style she could not sit still and was doing just about everything but watching the movie. At one point I believe she was even standing on her seat. Mommy with a fiery temper was rightfully so frustrated with the constant fidgeting and in a low voice warned the evil one that if she didn’t sit still and watch the movie she was going to be in big trouble. The evil one without skipping a beat says “ I would sit down if this nigger in front of me would move his big head” the the evil one then proceeded to slap said nigger in the back of the head. Devastated that not only did her sweet child know how to use such a dirty word in context and sure that she was about to be beaten to a pulp rushed the evil one out of the movie theater… and this is why my mother never took me to the movies…
As a child the evil one seamed to pick up the darnedest words and use them in perfect sentences. One of these times was with the angelic gma Annie Mae. Because gma Annie Mae lived a simple life and never learned to drive she was forced to live in a bad neighborhood near work. She had her close friends near by and could walk to work everyday without issue. A few houses down from hers was a nasty ditch full of balloons and Dr toys. Knowing the real purpose of the elongated balloon's and Dr needles my mother forbid the evil one from going to the ditch. A threat was of “ if you go down to that ditch I am going to whoop your ass when I return” was given in front of the evil one and gma Annie Mae. With a nod of understanding from the evil one mommy drove out of sight. As soon as she could no longer see the taillights the evil one turned and headed for the forbidden ditch. Gma Annie Mae reminded the evil one of her foretold punishment and was astonished to hear her reply “ I would rather get my ass whooped then stay here with you” Hurt and with the wiseness of age gma Annie Mae let the evil go and play in the dirty ditch, she also let her get the foretold ass whooping. I am sure that she smiled and prayed that this time mommy would finally beat the devil out of her….we all know different.
The evil one somehow knew when to use the perfect swear from birth I truly believe when the Dr smacked her bottom she didn’t cry but turned and told him to fuck off with a sharp left hook. One time when you could consider it a sweet mistake was at the early age of 3. Mommy had bought a bag of chocolate for the upcoming holiday. The candy had been left at gma Annie Mae’s with stern instructions that no one eat any. Mommy left and upon her return there is the evil one covered in chocolate and holding a half empty bag. Frustrated mommy yells to all the adults in the house “ Who gave her this damn candy?” Of course the evil one had devised a plan to sound cute and sweet while telling mommy to mind her own fucking business. In the sweetest of southern accents the evil one smiles her chocolate grin and says “ Mommy I got this damn candy, and I'm gonna eat this damn candy”
At this point the entire family should be in therapy, but no with a pop on the butt the evil one got away with it in the end… Of course it cant get worse!
THE EVIL ONE TURNS VAMPIRE
At a young age the evil one knew exactly what she wanted and you better not dare get in her way’ the TV. As I already mentioned she has the ability to strike without warning…. but sometime it really is just better to stay out of her way. In this instance the evil one was watching one of her favorite shows and in walks mommy wanting to use the TV for a bit. Well this is a non-negotiable fact that you stay away from the TV and she will not kill you in your sleep… how dare this insufferable woman change her channel! Of course the evil one realizes that she cannot kill mommy because who then would feed her assuming that she must have hit her head the evil one goes and turns it back to the cartoon(whatever Satan watches) of choce. Mommy gets up and turns it back for her adult time telling the evil one to go play. This game goes on for a few minutes until mommy get tired and just sits in front of the TV. This of course infuriates the evil one and shows her that mommy needs to be put in her place…. using the element of surprise like a trained fighter the evil one attacks sinking her sharp young teeth into the tender flesh of mommys back. After the initial terror mommy uses her speed and agility to catch the evil one. Sitting on her for the rest of the show. The whole time the evil one know that she missed the mark by millimeters and next time she wont be so nice.
As we already suspected the evil one was possessed by a multitude ofSatan's demons. He had devised a plan that only Satan himself could devise and had chosen a new born little girl with the face of an angel. He is very good at what he does!
In our family we have a saying you can pick you nose but you cant pick your family... I guess that means you just got to learn to live with the little boogers.... great!